Diary of being broken and cast 

This is going to be a unusual blog, it’s not going to take on the form of my usual, no it’s going to take on the form of a diary mainly to take the heat off myself, to feel better about my predicament, and to make humour out of something that only I feel the need to, enjoy as I walk you through the trials day to day of being in a cast. 

Day 1.

I never quite figured how I at the age of 32, would find myself suddenly relying on others to get me through, how I would call on all training past and present medically to pull myself out of the predicament I only I would find myself in. It was suppose to be a simple trial ride, to discover if the horse and I could be friends, perhaps even bond to lifelong mates, he was good, smooth, and won his way to my heart quickly, until he refused. He refused to listen to my desperate pulling of his reigns to slow his intense trot to a walk. Sadly he ignored it, not for him but for me, reigns went loose, the stirrups too long, and before I knew it I was on the ground. He trotted off happily as if to say “well I didn’t want you anyway” I looked to my right ankle a swollen odd looking mess, a unique angle of 45 degrees told me what I didn’t want to know. It was broken and I was on the ground with a weakened left knee and broken ankle and a hell of long haul to get into the car. 20kms of bumps ensued before I finally reached the medical clinic, with a friend at the wheel, 20 long kms of no pain relief and every bump reminding me of my own stupidity. They cast it at 4am 8.5 hrs after the event, I had time to reflect, no time to sleep, and time to observe, because for now that’s all I can do. 

Day 2, 

I like to call it the awakening but was I really asleep ever to begin with? It wasn’t a nightmare, that confounded lump of plaster of Paris a constant reminder of the night before, it’s weight etching itself into my mind, then the medical professionals come over scrutinise the cast make comments, tell me their plans to cut it off, the cast not my foot. In my drugged state none of this is making sense and I don’t want it to either, I want them to leave me alone in my world of dispair until they finally say they will X-ray  again and I can go home. This ordeal is not over, not by a long shot. I vaguely recall getting into my car with my driver at the wheel, I don’t recall the drive home. However I do remember the failure of my left knee on getting out and the shattering of my cast at the heel as I struggled to rebalance on something that quite simply didn’t want to work. My anger is not waning so I go to bed.

Day 3

After having a wheelchair issued so I can get the important business done, toilet and showering, the real depression of it all sets in, I see outside, I can’t get outside. I can’t make myself a sandwich because things are not low enough, a jumper on the floor where my wheels get stuck is enough to send me into a rage, not that I can get angry that well, I plan to make the most of it, whatever the most actually is. 

Day 4.

It’s odd, the nights are long and I spend more time awake watching movies to tire myself, I make plans for the future in my head, I make plans on how to move and my recovery, I stretch my toes forgetting about my ankle for a split second until the sudden pain reminds me, not that I could forget the weight, it’s still there. Jennifer Aniston has been music to my eyes as I have managed to watch her acting on several short romantic comedy’s that I find myself now watching. I decided to a short course, after all there is nothing else I can do. I finally remember the other actor and Vince Vaughn. 

Day 5

This long struggle.. I have mastered showering myself you’ll never understand the sheer excitement when you finally achieve something for yourself, the new appreciation I have for those in wheelchairs, even the cat has come back! To my side, problem is he now has a new favourite spot, my cast. My young son has found vivids to be exciting so now I have a decorative cast rather than a white one. Different, even the fracture clinic is looking exciting, the Pain to it however – isn’t. 

Day 6

I actually feel like I made headway today, I have had a good few nights with sleeping, and that on its own is a bonus. After making friends with this new lump of plaster, I had decided I had better become familiar with these two aluminium poles.. The fear of falling flat on my face firmly etched in my mind and sheer determination to master, what others would find easy, though they are not dealing with a twisted knee on the other leg as well. In a triumphant first, I have managed to spend almost 15 minutes with them, the struggle to stay upright has been an uphill one as. I fought the intense pain to fall over regain my balance and push on, this is a fight of both my will and the will of these so called poles that are meant to help me walk. I feel in time I will get there 

Day 7

Went to fracture clinic, where they replaced this old soft cast with a fancy purple one, in between gas for the pain relief while they attempt to straighten it out, I was ok, renewed enthusiasm with this new cast 🙂

Day 8 

Started mobilising adequately enough to almost believe I could do without the wheel chair feeling confident

Day 9 

Managing to move to the couch, bliss! And some walking around the house on the crutches 

Day 10

Went bad, I now rehurt my existing knee injury to the point where it is near impossible to stand least of all ergo to the bathroom without the aid husband. I suppose at least I get cuddles, but I feel so dejected I am hating this cast I am tearful and I am so sore. All that for wanting to go on the ride on mower and now the lawn, it’s heartbreaking, I felt once realistic but now I am back to square one and I just feel stink. 

In a perfect world

in a perfect world, you wouldn’t have to worry about what others think, you could ignore your own feelings, you could be in control of most things, and yet have the balance of not. 

In a perfect world, you wouldn’t have to confront, your wouldn’t need to fight. 

In a perfect world life would be so much easier, without constraints, but within healthy boundaries, freedom that gives thoughts, but where harmful derogatory words are removed.

In a perfect world, people would remember their teachers from yesteryear, they would control their tongue, hold opinions to themselves, and show respect.

In a perfect world we would live together in harmony, we would live without fear, we would remember our compassion our empathy, but not forget our teachings. 

But we do not live in a perfect world 

We live now in a society where it’s normal to voice opinions, harmful as they might be, where it is normal to be disrespectful to the elders.

Where is normal to steal to lie to cheat, where it is normal to be offensive to others in your speech your words, typed or written.

Where it is normal to see people starve and not offer assistance for fear it takes from your own mouth. 

Where it is normal to see the raping of woman and children, stand by and film it, yet do nothing

Where it is normal to ignore the teachings installed in you by your parents, by your grandparents and by those you look up to, for fear of looking weak to your fellow friends.

Where it is normal to be the bully, the one to stand over others, to threaten and coerce, to type angry to others you know nothing about, to install hatred amongst a group of people for your own selfish need.

As technology evolves, our world evokes challenges never met before, challenges never needed, challenges that cannot be contained.

As our life changes, the way we once saw things differs, the way we perceive alters and our sense of belonging is jeopardised.

You have the power to change

You are the power of change, you are the change of thought, you are the change of compassion and you are the change of respect. Be the change you want others to see, be the differing voice that towers above all negative.

Change is in you, the negative you have received is your power, it is your reasoning to not be like them,  it is your strength when all you find is sadness. It is your comfort when all else seems on top.

Be the change, see the change, you will have the power to change.

Socks and wooden floors don’t mix

Last night I thought I would do my parental duty – lightly used because I actually enjoy it, of playing with a blown up foot stool and my son. Master three and I were kicking it back and forth on a polished wooden floor..
As you can imagine a accident waiting to happen, by me. Socks and wooden floors don’t mix, whilst they keep your feet warm, they are not very forgiving if you slip. Precisely what happen last night, and to while I am still typing this sitting with my foot raised after a night of sheer hell.
My son bless him for his age, helped me, I’ll never forget this, his kind caring attitude towards his mom, in her time of need helping in the best way he could, opened my eyes to a world that he can see. Whilst sitting clutching my ankle for fear of putting it down, he watched, he then asked if he could help, he went to the fridge, broke through his child proof gate and got me eggs and tomatoes.
“Something cold mummy” you need something cold” he couldn’t find the ice but did the next best thing.
He found the phone for me brought it back and told me to call the policeman because he could help, I called an ambulance and they came but my son wasn’t interested in that by then and iPad was all he wanted.
But just thinking about how he went about it cool calm and collectively, while I screamed, cried and hated the pain, my son was perfectly the miniature version of empathy.
A true blessing I couldn’t of want for better.

An open letter to my stepkids

Hey
It’s been a tough few years, so many ups and lot of downs, but we are getting through it right? Everyday has brought new challenges, some good and a few rough ones, and I know at times you blame me.
It’s been hard for me too, I didn’t expect to be raising extra kids, in fact the thought never crossed my mind, I grew up, thinking nothing much about how life pans out. I went out with my friends and pass the time away with countless coffees and a lot of cake, with never really a regard to my future or what it was going to hold. Then you lot came into it, and my life got busy, it never got “full” but it did become busy, suddenly I had sports games to take you to, school meetings, dentist and doctor appointments, I did these all automatically but never really got to know you. I had gone from me and my one, to suddenly knowing three, three really different personalities, that all needed something.
You weren’t happy when I arrived, it was tough times, you lost someone you really loved and I got involved with someone I adored, maybe it was too quick, and maybe we could of done things different, we can’t change that now.
I want you to know something though, it’s been a roller coaster of emotions these last few years but that’s not what I want you to know,
You see I had to really get to know you and in that time you have amazed me,
I worry when you are out and about with your friends and I must admit that is why I question so much, I get scared when you are ill and I can’t make it better, or I have to take you to the hospital for anther round of tests, when you are asleep I listen to ensure you are still breathing and ok. I love reading your school reports, seeing you achieve makes me feel like I am doing my “job” of raising you right, I admire your strength and passion and I never want to dampen that.
You see whatever way we look as this partnership, you make a difference in my life, one I don’t want to change ever, loving your dad is just a small part of the equation, loving you guys, is the rest.
Alright we got off on a rough foot, it was a hard few yards, and we have all learnt a lot. I want you to know that you have completed my life, I’ll always be there to support you in whatever you choose, you can come to me for help and I’ll offer it, you can come to me for money and I might tell you to stand on your own two feet, but if your on your butt I’ll never see you short,
If your boyfriend or girlfriend is getting out of hand, I’ll sort it out, basically anything you need I’ll be there.
So you know what even after everything we have gone through,
You’re alright.
I might even go as far as saying I love you, but let’s not get to close on that yeah?!
Love
Your stepmother.

Getting to grips with step parenting

It’s been a long time since I have blogged, there really isn’t an excuse. Trust me I would love to come up with the most elaborate coolest reason in the world, but for the life of me I can’t. In general it has been life of the trying times that has kept me busy, busy from getting a grip on reality and a grip on myself. It’s not easy being a young step mom, raising teenagers that are only just a smidgen younger than you and using that great parental responsibility suddenly placed on your shoulders, it’s a choice I made, one at times I regret and other times I think ok I signed that paper I agreed to doing this. Like a post floating around on FB I made the choice to love another as my own, and believe me I’ll do anything for them, doesn’t make the trying parts any easier to deal with though. If anyone ever said that teenagers were a breeze to bring up, hell we would all be doing it right? I don’t even know how my own parents put up with the bullshit I managed to dish out either and it’s that smaller experience of life I pull down on to get me through everyday of the drama’s trial and tribulations. From dealing with the 16 female who thinks life is all about sex, who is doing who, what is wearing who and how she/he got with who, to the 15 male that destroys all in his path for no apparent reason and cannot even explain why, I even sit here and wonder why, when you go to all the effort, to help them support them and they turn their back a though they are ungrateful. Sometimes I wonder if I am trying to hard and whether this is the usual that “ordinary” parents put up with, or is it just me, I really would hope for the life of it that this is “normal” but then again what really is normal, a polite child that does everything ever asked? that doesn’t want for anything, or would I be thinking the damn right stupid..

lets get to the truth of it, I am floundering, I am in a new relationship, its coming up three years and whilst i know this person very well, as it does seem like we have been together forever, I still crave the one on one that you should get with your partner. Those intimate moments of tripping around  and trying new experiences, the enjoyment seen on his face when you try on a dress for the first time, or the smile when he realizes you are wearing the perfume he bought but never tried at the shop. Instead I am fighting for the attention, or it seems like it, I have the 16 year old daughter telling us how it should be, the temper tantrums from the same girl (did I forget to mention she is 16) because her father and I went away for a few nights, or more because she invited two yes two! not one, not none, but bloody two!! into her bedroom at 230am in the morning and showed no remorse for the fact she got caught. Moreover had the audacity to say, “everyone is doing this why can’t I, you don’t trust me,” blah blah and whilst I get the legal age here is 16, it does not make it any more right that one, who cannot legally drive, or vote, or get married, should be able to have sex. Ok i get i am going to pull a few nasty comments on that statement, but you need to understand I am a step mum trying to do my best, but when you have 1 teenager pushing it to the limits, and should a baby arrive, I would be the one taking care of it. I would never turn my back but prevention is better then getting stuck into a tight position to begin with. I try to keep my head up with the ignoring, the pouting the general hate speech, the “what made you ever think you were right for my dad” speech, but honestly it is doing my head in. I try to keep calm say it does not hurt, when in reality, it kicks me till I cry. There are times I think I could do it easier, but then I would be walking away from someone who means the utmost world to me, and that hurts, a lot. I could see me walking into some parenting group saying “Hi my name is.. and I am 31 raising a 15,16,18, and three year old, and I now feel exhausted” The wine cabinet looks good, in there is at least two bottle of Merlot, a chardonnay, savigion Blanc, and a few ports.. I am too tired to drink, I am too tired to whine and I am over crap, so who else is raising teens, raising step kids that could give me some pointers?

I could read a bunch of perfect parenting books, wash and digest all of it with wine, I could take myself to teenage parenting classes, but none of them would deal with whats in my household. When you feel that you are the only one on this planet that takes care of, the washing the dishes. doing the cleaning, doing their school uniforms, being a accountant, negotiator, coach, life coach, tantrum creator, tantrum diffuser, mum, step mum, wife and everything else that comes with all of that, and then you feel guilty because you feel like this.

tags teens,trying,step parenting, kids, patience, tired, pressed,new

 

 

Your passion, your flame your choice

It was interesting the other night as I was sitting to supper alongside a Buddhist teacher, as we sat he asked me what my passion in life was, well to say that the question took me back a bit, is an understatement, it was somewhat with hidden fear I admitted that for once I actually was unsure. I pondered this question with due regard and quietly responded with, “life” Just one simple word yet a coverage of so many facets that couldn’t even begin to describe my passion, or for that matter my humbleness of a world around me. The next question began with “well what do you really feel draws you?” Again I thought and replied with “people” elaborating on it some more, I decided to tell this Buddhist Teacher why I do the things I do, I volunteer my time to help others, because I need to, I need to realise that existence is not merely getting out of life everything you can, but is also helping others to get the best quality of life that thy can achieve. it doesn’t matter how many cars you own, you can only ever drive one, it doesn’t matter how many people you have had a relationship with, you will only ever truly love one. It also doesn’t matter how much you smoke, drink or have sex it all boils down to one thing enjoyment and quality this post is far from finished this is one that will keep me mindful for a long time..

The hidden ashamed

I was going to title this post “things I don’t want you to know” but then that wouldn’t be the truth, after all I am writing this right? I have given due thought to doing this particular post but its time to face up, be strong and say how it really is. 2 of my readers know who I am, the rest of my followers are people but just with a name although I know one of you personally but have never let on. (Don’t go checking your phone because you won’t find me there) for all I know, you know who I am too but also haven’t told me. So here it goes, over a year ago my car and I took On a truck (and no before you ask this isn’t some sob story) I was hit at approx 110km a hour by a 4 tonne truck carrying a 1500 litre fuel tank on board on a towable trailer. This truck pulled out from behind my turning right car and collected me right hand side, shunting my car some 200 metres down the road sideways with its bullbars lodged in my window cavity until the truck finally shunted free and went into a paddock. The driver to this truck was safe and sound, myself however was taken away by ambulance . I’m not going to go into the gritty tales of what happened but I want to talk about the daily struggle that people like myself who have sustained a head injury go through. Some days are great others not so great where as out side I don’t suffer physical impairment mentally however I struggle, it’s a uphill battle when choices have to be made, you go through days of sadness for no apparent reason, mad days where you get mad at the slightest thing, and sad when you want to get your duvet crawl into bed and cry. The emotional roller coaster of remembering things is hard, the memory blocks are the worst, where you know you are meant to remember that person or what you did last week, the endless excuses you have to make because you can’t remember someone’s name, or the moments you are so frustrated because everything overwhelms you when it never did before. To my friends who are shocked by this don’t be, I am learning is accept it and live with it, things happen for a reason and just what I did to deserve this I don’t rightly know, but In someway I am sure it’s to harden me up for something else. Really i just wanted to get it off my chest, you know there is only so much weight your boobs can handle before things weigh you down, but friends and bloggers alike should you have family and friends who have suffered a concussion based head injury, ask them how they are really getting on, sometimes it just might be the out they are looking for,
Sometimes it’s what I am looking for a break, a breather from trying to be the person I was before, to giving up and just being me.
Ps to the person who has now just realised who I am, I’m sorry I did’nt tell you before, you and I have way more in common then you really know, 🙂 one day I want to talk to you, more than just a couple of words. Your a inspiration !

Technology – advancement or hindrance..

I used to think that Facebook, twitter and all the other social media sites were a way of life. A way of the world, you know everyone has one, everyone needs one. The whole concept of updating you life through “statuses” showing the media your preferences through “likes” and the untold amount of photos circulating the web, that can now be “held” (for like of a better word) in one place for your “friends” ie people you have never had the chance to meet, can see. Now I don’t have a negative view of Facebook, or twitter, or MySpace or anything else really, but what does bother me is this stupid little folder that is less visible to the user containing messages. The one where people send you a note annoying the ten pound crap out of you, folder. This said little folder (which once upon my time was a cardboard thing on my desk containing my work for the next day, or paper I was trying to hide looking busy) is now a vessel for my frustration, people sending me messages like “are you single” “I love you we are soul mates” or “we should be married” when these idiots are on the other side of the world, never met me, chances are never will. My public profile quite clearly states MARRIED, now for me that doesn’t mean married still looking, married but just playing around, married but its a lie or married and let’s give this a go. I am flattered to be honest that somehow my picture of a mountain means I have a great smile, my ass looks fab and my body is a goddess, great but please can someone go tell the mountain that,as I am sure it would love to hear it. Social media the way of life, yes for some, for me, it’s becoming a nightmare. Online dating once was the fad, you could create a profile, lie about everything and never meet the people you chat with, then there was a reality tv show brought out where it caught people in the act, I think that scared some people, but as we become more technologically advanced I feel we lose ourselves, we lose our sense of reality, our perception, our whole beings. Little by little we are isolating ourselves from reality, normality however appears in the form of an iPad, tablet or phone. We text each other just when we are next to each other rather than talk. We have even be known to argue on the phone using text messaging because we cannot confront our partners or our friends because face to face contact is a rarity. Right now as I write this on my iPad, I have isolated myself from my family, my son bless him is asleep in bed, dinner should be cooked and I am meant to be dressed going out for a few drinks, time to give this away I think, but as I leave this thought provoking post, I want to ask everyone who reads leave a comment to tell me how technology has changed your life, good or bad I want to know the vibe.

Attitude central

As a worker in the emergency sector your faced with all kinds of dilemmas, problems, and life in general. I volunteer my time to help those in need dutifully turn up for training and go home at the end of my shift to continue to raising my family in the best way I know how. Last night annoyed me, I decided after training to go to Mc crap, alright McDonalds for the corporate commercialist, order a hot chocolate and debrief on the finer things in life with a colleague. So far so good, whilst standing there (non uniformed) I observed a 15/16 year old female dressed in her pyjamas! (Of all things) at 10pm at night shouting obscenities and rudely demanding that they work faster, now this girl did not look like she had worked a day in her life and being slightly judgemental when I say this but also that she never will, the attitude oozing out of her was enough for me to say “and I suppose you know how it’s done?” Here we have it a girl in her pjs with a serious problem. The thing is that today we allow this, gone are the times where our kids were in bed at a respectable hour, we knew where they were, cellphones were not thought of and your kids were polite and respectful to all. You got up for the elderly lady on the bus, you assisted a person who was short on cash, and you donated to the food bank for those less fortunate to yourself. Now we allow our kids to roam free for fear of the government telling us that we are breaking their “bill of rights” unable to discipline our children because its “abuse” and when we catch them lying or stealing we are invading their “privacy” but its not just our kids that are falling victim to this bent way of thinking, don’t get me wrong I am all for freedom of choice, but what does freedom mean when they turn criminal and everything is handed to them on a silver platter? Then what have they learnt? That its okay to beat people
Up in the street and get three meals a day, a roof over your head a university course paid for by the taxpayer and a car when you get out. It’s okay to kill and be out in 6 months with same benefits. Then we wonder why they reoffend. I am slightly angry that yes I protect people, I pick them up at their worst but above all I am annoyed that we as parents are failing on a generation more than anything needs help to get through, older wiser and onwards.

Fire and ice the cost of your past

I’m being followed around right now by a pesky wasp determined to eat the last of my Cadbury cream egg from Easter, whilst my hips scream “no, give in to the wasp” my mind it saying “screw the wasp and eat the egg!” But this is not a post about weigh loss, although in some ways it kind of is. The weight of your life and its emotional, physiological burden can sometimes be just as heavy as the cream egg I am holding, if not more. I ventured to my garage this morning determined to rid myself of that burden (see similar post on life in a box) and stood at a loss at how little I really own, how after going through my “storage” boxes how much I didn’t really need. Ruthless is the word, as I parted with many memories collecting dust, rat poo and now forgotten. Those same items that once brought a lot of joy remind me instead of heart ache, heart break and despair. It’s not a path I want to recall, instead it becomes a path I choose to learn from, as I lit the fire that burnt my beloved treasures to the ground, I walk away tears filled my eyes as the realisation that a new change is appearing, there was little I could do about the jaded path. I am free now, free from the tangled mess that kept me so well locked in. Yes that wasp is still buzzing around but I am over my egg now, one bite one box.